My Apologies

I keep finding myself having these deep thoughts and ideas more now than usual.  There is definitely a transition taking place within me.

I have had so many people in my life that I thought couldn’t handle the real me.  I’ve diluted myself, held back, and kept the best part of me tucked away.  All for someone else’s comfort or because I thought it to be so.  My question to myself now though is, did I even give you the chance to understand me or did I get so used to being misunderstood that I stopped peeking out to see if the person in front of me would be the one?

Have you ever just thought about the people that have come and gone even if in your life for just a short time, a passerby you may engage with, people you meet online … the people that maybe if you would have stopped being so anti-social and came out for drinks, returned a phone call, responded to a text in a timely manner instead of letting social anxiety win …

Have you ever thought about if anything on your part would have changed that maybe that person would have been more in your life?  That maybe they would have understood you, accepted you, given you room to be yourself …

Obviously what you see here are regrets.

Regrets that I didn’t let the people in that tried so hard to be a part of my life. That I didn’t even give them a proper chance to get to know me for fear of appearing weird, being awkward… misunderstood. This is what you think about when certain things don’t go as you hoped.  You think of all the people that have made an appearance and were showed the exit. Yes, I know that everything happens for a reason, but if it were simply just that easy, we wouldn’t have the free will that we do.  We can alter our course and stray away from something that needed to happen.

So I apologize to the ones that may have seen me for exactly what I am and still wanted to love me. I apologize to and forgive myself for missing out on what may have been some amazing memories. For the rest of my stay here, I vow to never have another regret.

I’ll have a little more faith in humanity and the people the All sends, even if for a lesson, to help me grow, to love me, to hold my hand, to listen to me go on and on about living purposefully and my passions all the way down to those willing to sit with me, eat a bowl of cereal, watch cartoons and laugh til we cry. I promise myself I won’t miss out on another soul who could be just like me waiting for someone to understand them too.

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